# 456 days ago
Baltimore
Chicago
San Francisco
New York
San Jose
Seattle
Buffalo
Plan
Apply for hot jobs.
Goal
Learn sewing,
belly dancing
tai chi
raise my vibration.
a bit [1]accident
# 459 days ago
men are so pathetic
a bit sadness
# 478 days ago
What are the symptoms of PTSD?
In general, post-traumatic stress disorder can be seen as an overwhelming of the body’s normal psychological defenses against stress. Thus, after the trauma, there is abnormal function (dysfunction) of the normal defense systems, which results in certain symptoms. The symptoms are produced in three different ways:
Re-experiencing the trauma
Persistent avoidance
Increased arousal
-distressing recollections of the trauma. For example, the person may relive the experience as terrible dreams or nightmares or as daytime flashbacks of the event. Furthermore, external cues in the environment may remind the patient of the event. As a result, the psychological distress of the exposure to trauma is reactivated (brought back) by internal thoughts, memories, and even fantasies.
-The second way that symptoms are produced is by persistent avoidance. The avoidance refers to the person’s efforts to avoid trauma-related thoughts or feelings and activities or situations that may trigger memories of the trauma. This so-called psychogenic (emotionally caused) amnesia (loss of memory) for the event can lead to a variety of reactions. For example, the patient may develop a diminished interest in activities that used to give pleasure, detachment from other people, restricted range of feelings, and a sad affect that leads to the view that the future will be shortened.
-The third way that symptoms are produced is by an increased state of arousal of the affected person. These arousal symptoms include sleep disturbances, irritability, outbursts of anger, difficulty concentrating, increased vigilance, and an exaggerated startle response when shocked.
a bit insanity
# 479 days ago
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Thunder
Thunder Thunder, it just thundered for the first time this year.
I am awaiting my April Rain. Maybe I can finally sleep. Rain and Thunder
always felt like “home.” The sky is crying and expressing its rage at the same time. The louder and rapid the rain the more exhiliaration I feel. I am with home.
a bit dream
# 479 days ago
No one believes me when I say I don’t want more from A.
What’s more?
I feel I’ve everything, being together, sharing, that’s what I’ve had and what I want.
It’s not more that I want.
It just is.
I am just who I am and I respond to things as I am at the moment.
Why do I need to define anything? I can’t define anything, because I don’t believe in a “committment” i just believe in “now and authenticity”
i only want to be together, why must it be so complicated?
a bit accident
# 484 days ago
this much!
:)
a bit hmm
# 487 days ago
adam said i was passionate…
that’s the first time anyone’s ever described me that way.
a bit love
# 487 days ago
I read somewhere once…..and it resonanted with me.
“The secret…. Nothing in the world is realiable, even memories are false, a blanket of truths interwoven with the imaginary.”
“Life is made up of tomorrows, as long as there is no conclusion, there is forever a future, yet each future will never be forever.”
a bit parenthesis
# 487 days ago
that was death perhaps, but incomplete,
with/out yearning, or despair.
My cells constricted clump by clump, volated
how dramatic,
i am not shamed by feeling love,
but i am shamed.
how dramatic again.
everything hurts and yet, nothing mattered.
maybe i’ve gone, is this “gone?”
buddhism has merit, life is a chore, and a punishment.
i can’t really feel myself.
Since re-learning “feeling,” i’ve only ever wanted to live each day as immersed as i could, because i know time….that’s a problem i think… having no “common, acceptable societal or material” goal, no desires. too fragile to to survive, always seeking to live….
i wish 2012 was yesterday, i am not into half lives.
a bit love
# 487 days ago
I dislike being suddenly irrevokably wide awake in the wee hours of the night. I’ve been awake now for an hour, and scratched myself silly while I was at it. Itchy itchy and itchy. hic.. I will have scars now on my legs and arm no doubt.
A memory came to me of what could possibly be one of the most important period of my life. I was young, in grade school. First year I was in America. hic.. I lived in Little Neck. It’s where princes and princesses are made I believe.
hic..hic..hic..The first prince of tonight’s memory was my cousin’s boyfriend from highschool, now husband of many years. He looked like Ken, but his name was Daniel. I remember hic,.seeing him and my cousin hugging and being affectionate, it was so foreign to me I thought they were misbehaving.. hic. So naturally I took hic.. and offense to him. When he said “hi” hic, I just glared at him. My cousin was very embarrassed and told him I didn’t speak English, she sort of dismissed me, but then she always had. But he said “she can say hi” and kept trying. He was very kind. hic…
The second prince was my friend’s brother. They were the most beautiful family feature wise. He looked like Ken again, dark haired this time and the two girls were barbies. Cindy was wholesome with curly white blond hair and blue eyes, she was kind and sweet, and Lorraine was like her name, exotic, strong presence, and mysterious, she had wheat blond hair and brown eyes, and we were only 13, 10 and 9 years old. The brother automatically changed his sister bike tires without being asked.
The third was Geoffery. He gave me my first valentine’s card, patiently looked at my stickers with me, and kept Simon the bully chastised.
And people who made me snow angels.
I think this was when my tastes in men were formed. It seems what attracts me is power, they had presence or a certain stubborness, some kind of natural sweetness, and very steady gaze. Not to mention gallentry. Sense of entitlement and confidence.
I guess that was “like.” Not in a sexual way, none of these were likes of a sexual nature. Just a natural response I think to other humans.
My mother came a year later and we moved. I missed the friends I’ve made there very much. For awhile I took the train to go to school, but it just wasn’t the same. One day after a long absence, I was greeted warmly and I think that was the first time I cried since I came to the USA. Afterthat, I never went back.
A year later, I developed my taste in boys with sense of humor. The school I later went to was horrid. No one had trust in one another, they were all experts at defense. It was a vastly different world, not suitable for children.
I guess these memories came to me, because I am trying to process and identify feelings. Everything about that year feels like Anne of Green Gables. And because I am very happy at us. And sleeping pikls are great. sleepy already
a bit dream
# 489 days ago
today we broke up
what made it so draining
was the way he denied every having had any love for me
ever having wanted me….
i overstepped my bounds.
he irrevokably does not want me. does not value me.
do not desire me.
a bit love
# 491 days ago
it’s as if i am seeking death,
so that i may be reborn,
like the phenoix
not death in the physical sense
but the spiritual and emotional sense
a release
a bit dream
# 498 days ago
you would be here with me,
instead of rushing home to check on
someone else, and you’d be reading my blog
instead of someone elses.
goodbye
it doesn’t matter anymore,
i should have no faith in people
and just never bother asking another question again,
it’s too much responsibility for you to provide honesty,
and too rude of me to ask, so i will just stop having faith in you…
you are closed
i was going to ask when you said why don’t i ever talk about my body
that you either stick around and see me through this, be patient with me or just leave, and go find someone else.
i am not enough for you,
i can’t trust you.
a bit dream
# 499 days ago
He’s already left, in his heart, already gone. Tuesday/Wednesday March 13th.
Monday March 12th. He left already I felt it in my heart. A pull, a tightness and a dull ache.
am I imagining things?
a bit sadness
# 501 days ago
What Kind of Person Do You Want To Be?
a bit hmm
# 506 days ago
that which was instilled in me by past experiences.
1)people will always say no
2) i don’t deserve
3) i am am imposition.
These are all wrong.
1) People have said yes, adam especially have been there for me.
2) I do deserve, not because of anything I do, but just because I am, and I am love.
3) I am not an imposition. I am appreciated and loved and cherished and I am going to start believing in that.
I love you.
a bit love
# 507 days ago
I am sick of pretty boys, that’s my conclusion.
I always go for pretty boys, why why why?
Am I superficial? No the pretty boys have something substancial to them, just not always available to me.
Maybe I am only sick of myself.
a bit accident
# 511 days ago
the little “i”
I never noticed that you too, wrote with the little i.
has it always been this way?
a bit insanity
# 511 days ago
“you’ve been low-key” he says
i’ve been in the tub at the window closest to the rain,
as if it is my heartbeat that drips continuously
as if it is me at the core of my being,
the rhythm with which i exist.
the peace is brings is essential it never forms into a thought
woven, this is home, no matter where i am,
it’s damp wood, concret, little puddles and fresh scents,
it’s both warmth and chill… the sound of street peddlers advertising sweet peanut soup.
and the first day in a week i’ve been able to close my eyes without torment, even with the aid of sleeping pills which i’ve never sought before…
spring is arriving,
i wish i can take my little plant out into the rain, so that it may feel the breeze, it because i don’t know if it is a he or she yet….
the rain may crush it.
mayhaps i was in despair.
and navigating sleep
a bit love
# 527 days ago
it’s not like that,
you said, real death is not like that in film where it is peaceful
and i said,
then make your own film and say exactly what you want to say,
i didn’t say i’ll help you, but i would.
i can imagine why she wouldn’t want to die,
no one can bear to leave you, and love.
and there it is,
holding on, just holding
and life fights, seeps,
love, cry, it’s empty filled with longing and this craving that will never be satisfied, never be filled.
a bit accident
# 527 days ago
my life is many little moments
strung together glass beads
it’s all we have, the moments,
and memory.
sometimes i think that’s all we have
and believe in nothing at all except now,
other times i fail and fall into the future,
thinking there is something else,
but i do not live that something else,
all i have is now.
and all i wish for is you.
and forgiveness
cherish
a bit love
# 527 days ago
a,
this is for you,
wishing you the brightest and warmest of love or loves this valentine and for always,
i love your vulnerability,
sensibility
stubborness,
dedication,
loyalty
kindness,
soft heart and your love,
smile, your frown, your eyes, and your sarcasm,
and your reni, and you, i simply love you. may you love me too.even if it is just a little bit and may you accept me in your life, just as i am.
with love,
t
a bit lovedream
# 541 days ago
“i am not even worried about letting you down anymore, i will always let you down.”-a
yes… we are not perfect anymore.
and when one’s fallen off that pedestal, what’s the use of trying?
when one’s already pierced, what’s the use of protecting.
a bit sadness
# 541 days ago
the sushi chef made me a sushi rice cake with my favorite fish
as well as fried bananas
i love the lines in his face and his smile and the bow we always exchange after my visit,
i for his food, and him for my visit.
thank you friends.
a bit love
# 548 days ago
romance
i see in pictures, these beautiful men and women
like the comic book i read when i was a child,
full of grace and longing. kindness
life.
nostagia
# 548 days ago
It seems people don’t realize the best part of life is the living and the letting go. Not the grasping.
I feel like saying
Fuck You. To this movie
He seems to say
“you are not her, so I refuse to love you.”
well you either keep up or get left behind.
i want intimacy, every intimacy that is associated in that film,
and i want dedication.
and love. and to experience.
a bit dream
# 551 days ago
bathroom lights are orange,
i had donated the light,
the second had pee in it, so the first was okay.
i was watching a little girl swimming in an indoor fountain
she cries over and over again, each time,
i recall why does she cry, how many takes did the filmmaker have to make of this so that everytime she shows up she cries.
frances was taking/leading her round and round and she was flipping like a dolphin in shallow water, she was happy, so was frances.
i join her and surprisingly am able to swim.
this dream was about adam, somehow i thought if he were to sleep with someone or meet someone at a bar, please tell me first
so i am more prepared, but i was crying too.
# 551 days ago
thank you for being honorable and not sleeping with me ;)
james slept with yasmeen and i know how he doesn’t care about her and every word out of his mouth is she wanted this, she gave me an ultimatim, she this and she that, no where in the conversation did he say i felt this or i decided that, all the responsibility was on her.
and i told him, there is a kinder choice, a better choice and it is not impossible for him to treat her with more respect than what he has given her.
so thank you a, for not sleeping with me :P
didn’t know you respected me that much ;)
# 552 days ago
it’s like cooking,
a part of me
when i am in touch with the space and my own presence.
relaxing,
the making of things…. it’s home.
# 552 days ago
of who i am,
i am more than just a girl to watch movies with
i am this,
(cooking)
(perfume)
(soap making)
(reading)
(drinking coffee/tea by the window)
(smiling)
silence and solitude
complete rejection from you in knowing these sides of me,
of knowing me as a complete multi faceted being.
this is who i want to share with you.
i am more than just that,
a part of my delicate soul.
delicate,
fragile,
strong,
anxiety, pain
nerves
sore-ness
sturdy
smiley.
soft
“crumbling crumbling, rushing tumbling down”
crushed, confiscated.
# 553 days ago
I understand now
I hope you find your fire.
That’s my wish for you.
someone who inspires you to trust again,
to share, to give, to love, love is constantly revolving,
what you take, you give,
that’s how the world moves.
Lots of love and giving love,
to be alive again,
love,
t
a bit love
# 557 days ago
all i wanted was to love and be loved
and if i died i wouldn’t be able to do that anymore,
and i haven’t done a good job of it, haven’t loved you enough.
and given enough love.
a bit love